laughing my ass off

little boy playing a computer game on cartoon network:
"i'm gonna getchu suckaaaaa!!" *writhing around with the mouse*

from a beautiful african man to my c.w.i.w.t.b-s. (that's co-worker, i wish to bitch-slap):
"i need a video on disco dancing" *in that lyrical nigerian accent*
c.w.i.w.t.b-s. *after an extensive search* "i've found one video on disco and slow dancing (??), but we don't have it here, can i have it sent from another library?"
nigerian man: "no, i need it tonight"

little girl with blond hair and pigtails says to me:
"i need the betrayed disneyworld guide"
me: "do you mean brummels?"
her: *very snotty voice* "just type in disney world and it'll come up!"
me: "then why do you need me?"

hispanic man to me: "habla espanol?"
me: "muy poquito y muy mal"
*long, stunted convo in which i tell him he can use an hour long computer w/ a library card or sign up for the 15 min. express computer using the...can't think of word for clipboard"
man: *in english with NO trace of an accent* "you can just tell me in english"
*in english!!!*
too bad i could get fired for choking people out!!!

older lady to my co-worker: "i can't sign into my e-mail! what is wrong with your computer????"
*mad as hell*
turns out, she was typing the www.yahoo.com into our windows media player. she stomped out muttering to herself about us 'damned librarians'.

and my fave: crazy lady w/ teddy bear, to teddy bear: "STOP SPITTING. I MEAN IT, STOP SPITTING!!"

some funnies

we have lights in our concrete floor. they are flush with the floor and are circular, an inch or two in diameter, diamiter? whatever. a foot apart, in a row of 12.


they are quite pretty and are set on a fiberoptic rainbow wheel so that they slowly change color from red to orange to yellow and so on. no one ever really notices them except kids. kids LOVE them. they walk on them they hop from light to light.

in TRUE liberry style, the lightbulb costs a fucking fortune. why do we let architects tell US what WE want???

so, when the bulb went out, we didn't replace it. we have no money. our budget was cut by 2.5 million. and that's just this year. we have to do this again next year. so, goodbye pretty lights, i need my job:)

the other day, a little guy in a mohawk, maybe 3 walked up to the lights. he stepped on one. he looked perplexed. he stepped on another. and another. back and forth until he was starting to look like tom hanks in big. finally he looked up at god, threw his hands in the air and yelled, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS THING?"

*********************************************************

the boss before me put up everyone's true colors on the back of the bathroom door. (true colors is a personality test). i had to redo the chart because we have a bunch of new staff.

one of my pages came up to me on Sunday. "who redid the true colors chart?"

me: "i did."

her: "oh, it's so pretty i almost read it!"

dude, thanks for the endorsement:)

ladadada life goes on

so, while we all wait, on pins and needles to see if we have jobs, i have the supreme lovely job of trying to be upbeat to my employees. *sigh* i'm not really succeeding. closing 6 liberries is scary as fuck. that means a LOT of people without jobs, and i might be one of them too.


i keep hearing that they're hiring in georgia though. i could get used to georgia. there's a beach in georgia.

in the mean time, life goes on. we're busier than ever. take this reference question from the other day:

old guy: i need some books on booby traps.

liberrian (not me, i was laughing my ass off behind her, i mean, really, who the fuck says booby traps???): booby traps? what kind of animal are you hunting?

old guy: i'm not hunting animals, i'm trying to catch the goddamned wetbacks who keep stealing my chickens.

wtf? who keeps chickens in the middle of the city (although, as JA pointed out, he may have been there longer than the city). and who says wetbacks in public???? LMAO.

while the liberrien was trying to find a book on booby traps, he started encouraging her to find books on guerilla warfare from viet nam.

lovely. at least we know we're needed.

charmed, i'm sure... repost

so, i broke my piggie toe.

i have effected a sort of hobble/limp.
so, i’m sitting at the ref desk and i’m on the phone when this dude comes up. as i hang up and am asking him how i can help he says to me: you’re husband must really love you! *pointing to my engagement/wedding combo*
i smile and ask him again how i can help, he tells me he needs books on chemestry or physics or something.
i tell him to follow me to the shelves and he notices my hobble.
what’d you do to your foot - he says.
i broke my toe - i say.
he says: oh, d’ya break it stickin it up yer husband’s butt?
WTF??

things i overheard at work last week

little kid around 5, runs into the library ahead of his mom. all eager. screams to her...."MOM, CAN I GO POOP NOW?

on a volunteer application in the hobbies section: "i am a quiet person. i like to read. i think silence is golden. i play drums."



little boy with his older brother. little boy is maybe 3: "this is stoooopit. stoooooopit. ya hear me???? its stoooopit. the libary is stoooooopit." i gave him a sticker.



teddy bear lady (the one who screams at her bear to 'STOP SPITTING') has adopted. she now has 6 bears. she arranged them conference style around a study table and then left her stuff with them. i think she thinks they are watching it for her.

adult, i busted at the computers for sleeping turns to his neighbor on the next computer and sneers: "thanks for telling on me!" like a 3rd grader.

i love my job.

the language of love

ok, so, currently we have no spanish speakers at my library. not one. the public has to endure mine and a couple of coworkers' baby talk.


so, one of the circ attendants (they check out the books) comes to get me. she asks me to explain to the guy that he has a fine and that he can either pay it today or later.

it goes something like this:

me: *flipping furiously through the notebook looking for the word for 'fines'* tiene un multa (that's fine!) por regresa los libros luego. es un dolar y quarenta centavos.

him: *blank stare*

me: *flipping furiously through the notebook again looking for a way to say he returned his books late* los libros regresa en un dia luego.....*i trail off, i'm pretty sure luego is the wrong word*

him: *blank stare*

me: *flipping furiouisly through the notebook again looking for the word 'later'* peuda pagar el multa ahora o en un otra dia, esta bien......

him: *blank stare* no espeaka spanish.

oops. turns out the guy was arabic. he probably thought i was crazy.

trivializing the profession

it's not evil people, really. well, mostly anyway.  it's the well meaning ones. you know, the ones who give back-handed compliments like: 'you have such a pretty face!' to a girl who is larger or smaller than the societal norm. or: he speaks so eloquently for a (insert minority here) man! usually, they are just trying to be funny. well, they aren't. they really fucking aren't.


here are some things i'd like to never hear again. not the statements, not any variation of them and not anything replacing them:

wow! you don't LOOK like a librarian at all!
in fact, jackass, yes i do. if you had bothered to set foot in a library since you were six, you'd know that i look like a fucking librarian. in fact, you lazy ass, you don't even have to set foot in a library. just do a myspace search of profiles with the key word librarian and marvel at all the hot chix and dudes you see.

honestly, i don't understand the stigma. why won't it go away? societal views on librarians are more than 50 years out of date. you don't see people going up to their doctor and reminding them of the syphilis experiemnts, do you? and that ended only around 30 years ago. yet somehow, the stern, bunned, bitchy librarian prevails to most of the people i meet.

oh, you're a librarian. it must be nice to sit around and read all day!
no. i don't. ever. in fact, there have been times when i am doing a book related program and had to read the damned book on my own time because i was too effing busy at work. i didn't become a librarian because i like to read. that is coincidental. i became one because i love a challenge. i like to find things. i like to help people, i love research, collection development, programming and i love story time. i love it when a little kid tells me ALL ABOUT the book they just read. i love it when a teenager tells me the library is a pretty cool place. i NEVER get to read at work.

which brings me to the next one. i always bring magazines to the gym. i read them while i'm on the eliptical trainer. sometimes, i read cosmo. mostly, i read VOYA (voices of youth advocates), School Library Journal or Library Journal or any other of a bunch of professional magazines. i have actually heard this:

oh, librarians have their own magazine! how cute! yeah. cuz people who rent apartments couldn't imagine a librarian magazine. professional development doesn't exist for some people, i guess. fuck, that isn't true. even mcdonald's has an employee quarterly. that girl was a jackass.

and finally:

you need a MASTERS degree for your job? what are the classes in, shushing? HAHA.

eff you. in fact, double eff you. and ff your parents too for having such a dumbassed idiot for a kid. yes, it takes a masters degree to be a librarian and how dare you trivialize a year and a half of my life. not to mention the 17 grand i had to pay. and i got off easy. drexler has a 4 year, $60,000 degree. imagine how they must feel when people say that shit to them. i'd like to see the assholes who've said this (and there are MANY) do my job for even a week.

i wonder if men in the library profession get the same treatment?  i know lawyers don't hear this kind of crap, do they?

loserific

so, i am sure that most of you remember from high school that loser who was so loser that even the losers wouldn't hang out with him? loserific. he's the guy who is so pathetic that he is incapable of acting normal in any situation. the guy who is so fucking loser that you actually feel sorry for him, but can't, just CAN'T like him. you see him coming and you cringe. that guy.



well, folks, you lucky bastards got rid of him in high school. he's been coming in to the library ever since.



he never has a job, he just isn't bright enough to keep one. he always wears band t-shirts and he makes up lies about concerts he's been to. he showers only enough to get by without stinking from 8 feet away. he talks about aliens and conspiracies. he claims to know the angel of death. he makes wild claims that make anyone over the age of 7 skeptical. he talks non-stop about wicca and being in league with the fbi.

now, i know you wiccans are not claiming this dude, but you should shut him up anyway, he makes you look bad.

that's the guy. the one in my liberry is named after an old tv show that you would know if i hinted at, so i'll just call him loserific.

so, a few weeks ago, i was hearing some kids in the back of the building getting noisy. hoping to head off a fight, i ran back there, only to find that loserific is surrounded by about 10 middle school kids. did i mention that loserific is 19?

the middle school kids are all angry. one turns to me and says: IS BIGFOOT REAL?

no, i say, bigfoot is not real. *wondering where the fuck this is heading*

a second says: ARE WITCHES REAL?

it depends who you ask, i say. wicca is a real religion, and some people practice voodoo, but if you are talking about like the Craft or Charmed, no, they are not real.

a third: THAT GUY SAID HE'S A WITCH AND HE'S GOING TO CAST A SPELL ON US. AND HE SAID HE'S AN UNDERCOVER FBI AGENT! (pointing to loserific)

me: ok, loserific, you are NOT an fbi agent nor can you cast a spell, leave these kids alone.

this is when i notice that he is actually wearing a hat that says: UNDERCOVER FBI AGENT. lmao, he then  tries to convince me that his uncle is in the fbi and got him in.

at this point, i forbade him from speaking to anyone in the building uder the age of 18. (this wasn't his first altercation with middle schoolers)

so, last week, he comes in and says that a kid outside (i fucking forgot to forbid him from speaking to those under 18 outside or anwhere else on the property.) has beat him up for no reason.

now, his mouth looks a little swollen, but his is definately not beat up. by any means. so, a coworker goes to investigate, but doesn't run.

when the coworker returns, he tells me that the kid who popped loserific in the mouth, was in a wheelchair.

that's right.  a little kid in a wheelchair.

we're on a highway to hell....

patron: do you have arizona highways (*a magazine*)


me: yes, it is located in the adult magazine section *pointing like a stewardess*

patron: no, i need the old ones

me: well, we only keep 1 year of back issues, for further back, you'll go to our main library's magazines and newspapers department on the 2nd floor down town.

patron: no, i need ones from 1976

me: the central library keeps AZ highway from the 1920's all the way until now *checking computer to verify*

patron: but don't you have any here?

me: ? yes, we have 1 year of back issues.

patron: but i need the ones from 1976.

me: i'm so sorry, you'll have to go to the central library, we don't have magazines from 1976 in this library. we do not have the space to keep magazines past 1 year.

patron: where are your AZ highways?

me: *gritting teeth* they are located in the adult magazine section.

patron: so, you don't have any old ones?

bamboons!

a lady comes up to the reference desk. she's my age. she's frantic. lot's of people who come to the reference desk are frantic. one of my jobs is to try to calm them down and make them relax a little, so they don't freak out and start screaming because they don't get what they want.

lots of frantic people don't get what they want.

so, lady says to me: I NEED A BOOK ON BAMBOONS.

me: i'm sorry, did you say bamboo?

lady: no!!! *she looks at me like maybe she's already sorry for asking me for help. * BAMBOONS, she repeats.

me: ummm, what exactly, is a bamboon?

lady: *almost rolling her eyes* IT'S AN ANIMAL. MY SON HAS A REPORT DUE TOMORROW, AND I HAVE TO HAVE A BOOK RIGHT NOW!

oh goddess, she breeds.

me: oh, a baboon?

lady: NO, NO, NO, BAAAMMMMBOOOOOOOONNNNN. *she says it really slow and loud and emphasises every letter.

me: ummmmm, ok. i don't seem to have any books on bamboons. would you like me to show you how to search our databases to see if we have any articles on bamboons that you could use?

lady: I NEED A BOOK NOW. *she says like she didn't even hear me*

me: well, i'm very sorry, we don't have one.

the lady looks ready to kill me. she turns and leaves without saying another word.

school's out foreva!!

so, like most liberries, we have summer teen volunteers. our newest batch just started with our summer reading game.

last night, one of them needed to call home for a ride. i pushed the phone at him.
"dial 9 and then your number."

he dials. and dials again. and again. he looks very frustrated.

"it isn't working."

"oh, sorry," i say, "try dialing 88 and then your number, that'll un-block it."

he dials. and dials again. and again.

"it still isn't working."

"ok, let me try."
i dial. it starts ringing. i hand him the head set.
"here, its ringing."

"yeah, i know, it was before, they aren't answering."